It have been almost 2 weeks... and would you believe my luck?

Right after I went to the gynae and confirm that it is yet again another Blighted ovum !@#@^#$^@! I bled out everything the same night. No spotting throughout the pregnancy it just came that one time and everything is gone.

This is the 3rd Miscarriage and I am so so so tired of it. I felt sad but of course without ever seeing a fetus made it a lot better because I know it doesnt even have a chance to feel pain. 4 Kids all gone before they can be develope I ask myself if this is some kind of joke.

I am much better now but still feeling down that I wont be able to be a certified mum of a live birth this year. Hubby was saying that we are ald very lucky to be able to get pregnant so easily. Is that a word that I can associate myself with? I find it hard actually.. because something as simple as a pregnancy I cant carry to term while some wild away the entire pregnancy and give birth to perfect dolls of a baby.

I am sheduled to take the miscarriage profile test to sieve out any abnormalities that might detect if me being a mum is impossible. If it shows that it is I will give up getting pregnant because it is just so painful just like having a candy at hand and have it melt into a puddle before you have a chance to savour it.

My TCM doc insist I dont give up and I have been an angel staying of caffine and cold drinks since. I want to believe her and give myself and hubby a chance to be parents. We have so much love to bestow but just no babies for us to hug and kiss.

I am praying daily that God take care of my 4 kiddos in heaven. I want them to be happy. I know it is silly but I believe they need extra care because they never have the hugs or kisses that they meant to receive from us.

I look forward to the tests next month and making sure I dont get pregnant until I have test whatever is possible. I dont want to add quota to the 4 if it is decided that we cant have live birth. No one was make barren as they quote in the bible.. apparently they left out my name in there *heartbroken*

It doesnt looks good... I sudden had some light bleeding an hour ago...

Looks like 3rd one isnt a charm afterall.

I dont know if it was my fault that I got a fever that cause the bleeding
I wonder if it was the tomb sweeping thing I went that cause it
I am not sure if it was sitting under the hot pavement for a few hours yesterday that cause it
I also am not sure if it was us not able to go to the temple on weekend that cause it.
Or was it I missed a prayer to God before I slept yesterday that become a result of this.

I am just keep up appearance in the office but I am really down now.. I cannot wait for the appointment tonight. If it is a blighted ovum I will accept it. What will be will be ='(

I was feeling really down yesterday for some unknown reasons I seems to already condemn this pregnancy to be another Blighted Ovum.. I didnt feel preggers anymore and it just sucks to the core to have to wait a week for a confirmed verdict from the scan and I more or less ald know the outcome. My Temp were low and I didnt feel warm my pimples cleared up in the last few days, I didnt feel sick when I miss my meals...absolutely just lousy.. and I was usual reading all the miscarriages forum just to prepare myself mentally. Infact when a colleague propose an overseas trip late autumn I said Yes without hesitation because I just find it ridiculous at 6 w and still not fetal pole and felt this wouldnt be any good. Despite being able to detect pregnancy at 10DPO and with no spotting at all. It just wasnt all good afterall. =(

I feel bad that the only time I ever talk to God when I have requests. That is of course apart from those daily prayers and mass I attended throughout my catholic school regime. Since I graduated the only time I ever talk to him was when I need help.. Need divine help *sigh* and imagine you are the one on the receiving end ... I cannot imagine the irritation that will boil it it was me. Ha!

Now with this pregnancy not being able to see the fetal pole as such you can imagine how earnestly I am talking to God daily! *LOL* I pray for a sign and if God have felt it was his will that he want this baby with the other 3 babes ald in his kingdom to go ahead and take him/ her and let me start to bleed. Otherwise give me a sign that everything is well so I can be assure of this pregnancy and not overstressed. Of course I also thank him daily for my dog longevity and agility despite his old age and for God to take him in his sleep and dont let him suffer because it just pains everyone so much.

I am just thankful the dog is well and good and really up to mischief but still we really so love him lah and God have been really kind to us in this aspect and I am sure he appreciates that I starts to thank him instead of asking for help everytime I take effort to pray. When the hubby was attemping to do some typing on the coffee table he squeeze into the small space between hubby and the computer and tried to comprehend what the hubby was doing. So smarty pants lah my old dog! =)

I am also thankful that God decide to want me to relax till the next scan because :


Today, my BBT soar again which I hug so much.
No spotting and crossing my fingers it wont at all
I felt nausea and really although it is such a pain I wont mind it at all
My Girls are aching
I am burping so much than before.

I wont expect a miracle but at least the hopes are alive once again. Just praying really hard!

The verdict is not out... Sigh

We only saw a sac that measured abt 6 W 1 D although I mention that I think I should be 7W4D but I add in 7 days by mistake. Think much better to rely on the BBT chart counting than LMP since I didnt have any after the blighted ovum miscarriage just in Feb. Although no fetal pole nor yolk sac can be seen my gynae was surprising very springy abt this and claim it is still early and little chance of the same thing happening again. Well... I am not sure how I should feel because it is very difficult to convince self that we might see the bud in a matter of days just need to be patient. I am visiting the gynae next week 1 more time and by than the verdict will be more or less affirmitive.

The hubby was surprisingly calm and told me what will be will be and dont overthink it. How can I help it? Anyway I am trying to impart happy thoughts to baby so he/she can be so loved by us. God is another channel where I divert my attention to. Since knowing I was preggers at 10 DPO I been praying earnestly every night. Hoping for everything good and hope he delivers me from pain of a forsaken mother to be.

I also suddenly dont feel pregnant today at times. Not sure why I hope it is not me giving up... I want this little tiger so so bad...

However it aint over till the fat lady sings so we are still blissfully enjoying the pregnancy.

Today is V Day....no log Valentines day... but verdict day!


Verdict if that little bud in me will have a heart beat.. The little imp should be 7 weeks and 4 days. As such if no hb I and would more or less know the outcome. Not that the pregnancy will be sucessful for sure throughout even if I hear any hb but at least we will be prepared that this again might be shortlived.

We are growing exasperated and the hubby and the chinese doc is saying be positive! I am trying and definetely have more happy vibes than the blighted ovum incident just slightly a month ago.

I so wished I still possess the innocence like so many ppl who think having a mc is one in a million. T was telling me how the sibling was already planning for a kid despite not even married yet. I too want that carefree feeling because just too much burden one way or another to carry the load whenever you get a BFP. I am envious of those who know not what they might be in for because everything is so nice and dandy. In a way we grow up... althought ald too grown in my opinion but more grown up somehow. You get the drift.

I wish I have nothing but good news to update this blog soon because it simply needs it! I didnt think I will be as lucky but what the heck!

Till 3.30pm or even later judging by the queue I was forwarn by the nurses a few weeks back I am crossing everything and trying to be uber positive until Dr Heng give the clear.