Wednesday, March 14, 2007

You know how sometimes you get lead through a rollercoaster ride in life. You hate those rides and dont even take it in real life but somehow ppl just like to drag you in it and make you feel a moment of joy and hope, spice with a moment of disappointment, douse with heavy despair and then peppered with hope all over again.

It's like ppl think it's fun to make you go through the motion of gravity to see how long you can last before the cookie crumble.

I had a ride of my life last year when the boss gave me hope of a new position. So the story goes someone else undeservingly get the job and appreciatively everyone hates him and I'm glad that happen because frankly, I am still sore over it because technically I was overlooked for the position mainly due to gender discrimination. They didnt think a girl can do the job afterall despite what the boss said initially. I rail and cry and make a fuss over it. Decide that this is the year where I get the bonus and start looking for a job with frevour and never mind what the boss was going to say. So I had a couple of offer for the same sort of lousy job and didnt want those and was going choosy over it. I started looking last week so hopefully something works out. I give up on the hope that nothing decent was opening up for me in this company and I frankly can only do the job for that long before I morph into a robot literally.

Just when I was really ready to move on, the boss let a bomber saying another position open up and in 3 months, so for me to get ready. I dont know whether he say that to prevent me from waning into oblivion doing the same job day in day out for the last 7 years but again, I am afraid of the disappointment that I'd experience last year. On all account I was highly disappointed once and I swore up and down that I wouldnt be so gulible in future. So here I am, almost a year after the incident and caught in the same situation again.

Anyhow I dont know what I'll do; whether to wait or still go on pitching myself to the rest of the coampanies offering. Is like decisions take turns to be made in my life and I hate hate hate decisions. Esp those that sort of change the course of your life. I like to make decision what I'll eat and drink, where to have fun and when to meet up with ppl. However life changing decisions freak the hell out of me and those I absolutely do not like.

At a certain point in life you dont want to think so much because sometimes it makes you puke your guts out when you plunge all the way down.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I havent told a whole lot of ppl yet and to those who have not see me for ages... I went and cut the hair and now I have bangs for fringe which makes me look almost .......school girlish. My dad say I look like a hamburger literally although I think his exact word was ' Wah you look like you put on weight with that hairstyle'. Either way, both comments arent in the best light as I would like it. Sigh...

I'm getting used to the hair and really isnt as troublesome as before and easier to wash because the hair was chopped and layered really thinly. Although zother reckon I can still do with more snips. That, I'll leave it for another time.

I have this inate to want to blog to get out of work somehow. So here I am skiving and blogging. Too much numbers at works makes me stammer and see stars after a while so I am taking a break. Longer than my boss would like but necessary for me to last the entire day.

I thought I do cambodia Part II before I forget it totally. I been having a not so good memory for the past few months and I really want to write cambodia before it fly away from me. I hate it when you have nothing to look back on. Then again, I seldom read back on my blogs. Oh well.. one never do know if I want to go thru every writing on the wall.

So I went all lyrical about cambodia or mainly siem reap. It left so much fun and nice memory of cambodia that I'm glad I covered the place last so leaving the place with a sense of holiday. I doubt if I ended the holiday at Phnom Penh I will leave with such a light heart summary of the trip.

Phnom Penh was typically like any town where you have the city life and where commercialism have encrust the city. Not as bad as Singapore but close enough to be one in another 10-20 years. To ppl who say cambodia is backwards, I dont know which part of the farming community they have travelled to but in my opinion I seen backward cities before and this country is certainly not in the same league. It was also at this city that cambodia witness the unreasonable genocide which I cannot imagine can happen so close to our country. I have to say this but it is after this trip to cambodia that I realize how freaking ignorant I am. That's what happen when one dont read enough.

It was barely 30 years ago that communists took over the country and force rules on it people which they have promised to take care and help. In return of their support, the communists render the ppl of cambodia nothing but terror and starvation of a kind similar to the holocaust. Communism was advocated by Pot Pol and the ideology infused in the ppl was amazing. However it make sense to support communists when you are poor I reckon. Who doesnt think it's a good idea when you are guarantee food and equal standing as the 'ex' rich bloke who stay in that beautiful bungalow. Somehow the promises were never fulfill and ppl were literally starving, made to evacuate from city, anything that remotely smell commercialism was advocate as going against the 'Big Brother' and hence the only solution was to destroy and kill whatever that seems to sing a different tune.

Doctors, scholars, artists, teachers and civil servants face the warth and warrant with death. So many of them and how do they get rid of them.. try mass killing. They force confession from ppl they suspect of going against them and kept them in something like concentration camp. Althought not as large as auswitch but the school which they turn into a mini holding camp wrench the same terror. So they torture their own ppl and when they can take no more and admit to dubious confessions that the communists have cooked up they haul them on trucks to killing fields where they make them dug graves before dealing them with blows or gun shots to end their miserable life. Saving grace came only a couple of years ago but by then millions would have already suffer the same fate and those who survive with rotten memory about having to surviving on lizards and roaches.

We didnt expect the sadness of the place to still waft the place but it still does. We walk through Tuol Sleng where the smell of death and cries of help still stain and echos throughout the formal school ground. Torture chambers with original bedframe and foot chains was left originally as it was. The floors some still stain deep with crimson shade of what looks like blood peppered the floor at some place. You cannot help but think how the screams must have echoes thru the hall and the trees and plants perhaps are the only witness to what happen in the place. The place collected the pictures left behind by the communists which they have took of every prisoners whom they have capture. The mugshots of the victims all bear the same sense of loss and confusion that must have been going through their mind. Some with safety pins prick right on their flesh and some with children in their arms looking forlorning at the camera. While tourists like us try to take in as much as we can from the photos and paintings that depict life and torture in Tuol Sleng the sadness of the place seems to embrace us the more we stroll the gounds. The stale air in the make shift pigeon hole cell for prisoners still have leg chains attached to the ground. A glance down the cells, you cannot help but imagine how terrible the holding condition were back then. Walking further, photos of 'rescued' prisoners were a sight to behold. Some where photographs death or taking in the last breath. Every rib and catridge in their body can be seen. I dont know if any of the 'resue' prisoners photos shows any survivors because it didnt looks like there was any. Only 7 person survived Tuol Sleng and they didnt seems to resemble anyone in the photos we scruntize through.

As if Tuol Sleng wasnt enough, we decided to go to Cheong Ek as well. One of the biggest killing field located and still holds a lot of unearth skeletons. We didnt know the latter as a fact until someone among our group spotted the ground we trudge on seems to have have some white and really old shreds of cloths. Only then did we realize those are bones and clothes of the deceased that have been left at this place to die. Most of the skeletons have been dug out and laid to rest at the monument tower at Cheong Ek however there is only so much one can unearth I assume. The monument tower didnt even look like it have more space for more skeletons to be frank. They found pit of different classification of skeletons, some for young girls and boys, some of middle age people and some with babies. If you look close enough, you can catch sight of teeth and bit of broken bones that stick out from the ground. It's way peaceful now but the slight wind still howl and mourn for the lifes that were extinguish overnight.

It still brings a lump to my throat when I write about this because this was brutal and really ruthless to bring upon your own people. No one in the right mind would have do it but the pursue of ideology seems to turn ppl into beast at times I reckon.

That is heavy heavy Phnom Penh for you.

I want to talk about the nice tuk tuk driver who was really honest and seems so genuinly happy despite not being able to communicate with us. He brought us shopping and to the River to spend time but I find it triviato talk about that after Cheong Ek and Tuol Sleng. I like their Russian market where I bought tons and tons of clothes for US$2-4 all in decent shape and big names think A&F, Gap and DKNY . I bought clothes for everyone in the family and was really happy with the bargains. It makes me sounds really bimbotic but I have to give credit when it is due. No?

The sum of it all about my cambodia trip was that it was one of the most fulfilling trip and educational for me in a really long time. I cannot believe the amount of experience and lessons that I amass during this trip. It takes one such experience to make me grow a little humble and appreciative of life.

lucky lux

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