I look at my yester posts sometimes with a grin sometimes with a distain look. Its like surreal to still have so much memories and when I told the Mister about the small events ...he had this weird smile and ask.. at your age.. a blog.. Right so sue me! The laws say at age 30 and above you are not allow to keep a blog. BLAH!

I revive the blog again because there are certain memories that I want to have it etched somewhere and if the memories fails at least there is the trusty blog lest I think.....

We had a nice surprise in June this year when I find out I was pregnant, happier still in July when my gynae say we are having twins with EDD on the hubby's birthday. However the saddest day to end August when during our regular scans, we realized the twins stopped growing in their 9th weeks although I was suppose to be in my 11th weeks. They have these perfectly formed legs and arms with their bobby heads but their heart just refuse to pump. In another words I had a missed miscarriage. There was no bleeding and clue at all this was happening and the fetus seems hearty and hale during my 1st 2 checkup when the gynae scan them effortlessly. How can it just happen like that.

We didnt tell anyone about the pregnancy for fear of this exact situation thus save us a lot of explanation. I want to etch this in the blog and despite I have a few friends who sometimes drop in I think they are buddies enough for me to share.

The mister didnt take this too well because during my 2nd scan he missed the appointment due to duty travel and didnt manage to witness twin B sudden appearance bouncing ard with twin A. Till today he couldnt muster enough courage to look at twin B scans because he regrets that he miss the only chance he got to see him alive.

We tried the blood test to check if there could be a viral infection but it was negative. We blamed the thyroid but the bloodworks I monitored with the endocrin doc was near perfect throughout the pregnancy. We blamed God for taking the angels away but thought it was his way of making sure we get good babies. We blamed the milk I drank because I had a bad stomach near the week where we suspect the baby stop growing.

The Gynae think it was just unfortunate and unlucky and promised we'll monitor the next one to avoid a repeat. The thing is I dont want a repeat I just want my babies back.

I have no clue why people will grow attached to fetus in the past. How can you grow so attached to something you have never held, smell or seen physically. Isnt it just an egg that met with a sperm?!?

I was never a parent and clueless but the last 3 months was one fill with extreme exhaustion and happiness with the babies reminding you of their existance every single day. I need my dinner promptly and their dad have to ensure we take meals on the dot and worry once it get pass before I get sick. It is that reminder that prompt you to talk to the babies nightly and tell them to share their food and grow a membrane to seperate theirselves in the sac. I can never imagine why the hubby will get so upset but when I saw his eyes brim with tears when we reach home the pain and anguish to lost 2 babies at 1 time is an experience I wish no one ever experience.

It had been 2 weeks since the incidence and I felt part of me died with the kids. We are like cancer patient who have their good and bad days. Sometimes you tear at the slightest thing and sometimes you are okay laughing and talking like everything was before.

We are rearranging our piorities in life and the hubby told me for the next pregnancy he is going for every checkup and if he have to travel he will cancel. I hope to walk through this darkest period of my life intact because it is just painful to crawl.

I want the twins to know that mum and dad love you to bits and if you would come back as our children once more we would not like anything more than that to happen.