Sometimes when it is just not meant to me no matter how you beg for it somehow you were meant to loss it .. by hook by crook you will.

So the pregnacy was shortlived yet again.. this time not as painful as the first epsiode as the twins. However I am angry why it is so unfair.. All I and the hubby are just wishing to be parents.. Willing to nuture and groom a child that we would so love to bits. Funny how it was not meant to be. This time however my body reacted and started to have tell tale sign of spotting very early on in the pregnancy. I didnt have any miscarrying signs for the twins which made me in lala land all the time because I was so anticipating the birth of the twins and too busy to entertain thoughts of a failed pregnancy.

We couldnt see the fetal pole and only manage to see the sac despite supposingly being in the 8th week of pregnancy. I talked to God daily and pray that he blessed the child he have given us but alas it was not meant to be. No matter how I plead how I begged baby was still not there. =( I do appreciate that I didnt see any fetal pole though because it made the lost a little more accepting definetely not as upsetting as the twins however the loss is still felt deeply. I bled everything out without needin to do a procedure which I attribute to the prayers must have worked maybe in a different way but it made the healing much easier.

It have come to a point where I am wondering is it prehaps fate that we will never become parents of our own flesh and blood. I feel so bad for the hubby because I know how badly he want to be a dad.. his very own child. We tried.. we really did.. but was turn away. When would we be able to bring a screaming kid into this world?

My Gynae insist we try again and dont take this as a setback.. but how can one not take it this way.. it is recurrent miscarriage and it is so painful. To have to lost a third child again I wonder if we are to lost a 4th or 5th or it would always be this way. I know some ladies go a even tougher way who can only conceive with IVF or IUI only to lost it the same way as we did. We are prehaps the luckier group if that is even an appropriate word to use at all.

With CNY just around the corner I can already hear all the nags when are you having children why still childless.. I just want .. so want to scream into their ears that we have had 3 babies in a year but all of them are dead!!! I really am just so tired with this journey because when we thought we see light at the end of the tunnel.. It was snuff out before we can even react.

Life just doesnt seems fair to us at times..